You knew it had to happen sometime. Remember when Mickey Rourke was actually studly? Pre-lacquered, pre-barbequed and pre-liver lipped Rourke? Believe it or not, this guy was cut out of the same cloth back in those days. He disappeared right around when Rourke, Dave Wyndorf, Eddie Money, George "The Animal" Steele and Stone Phillips went under the knife. They would hang together. Jam. Take way too many name-your-gelcaps and so on and so forth. They made beautiful music together. Trampolines and whippets. The stuff of legend. The legend of stuff. In Chuck Barris's wildest dreams, my friend. If Only. I Wish You Would. Earache My Eye. Eyeball My Earhole.

So apparently this guy was spotted coming out of the office of a certain semi-famous Brentwood-based Ear-Nose & Throat Doctor. We bribed the receptionist to give it up but she said she would be fired if she showed us his "Confidential" medical records. Instead, she sneaked us a sweet look at the "Semi-Confidential" medical services receipts ledger, and although we can't divulge the details, we can reveal that the words "deviated septum," "adenoids," "impacted boogers" and "mouth breather" popped up quite often. Nastiness, but very cool to know. File it away under "intimate things about quirky talented dudes who deliberately fell off the radar a while ago."

Quirky talented dude who deliberately fell off the radar a while ago, we've been curious as to your whereabouts. Where the heck have you been? Why did you leave Jersey? Why did you leave Seattle? Oh wait. Scratch that. It was because of Liza Minnelli, wasn't it? Or maybe David Gest? You're into that "old person pervy" shit, aren't you? Pink perms and bald spots get you all hot? Knew it! Scones and fiberoptic Christmas trees hold a special spot in your heart? Busted! How about puppets and commercials for any given cholesterol-reducing pharmaceutical?

Ahhh – pharmaceuticals! Thought we'd forgotten, eh? Thank goodness for canker cream and antacids. And thank goodness you're done with stoner things, grunge things and ticklers from Monaco. Time for you to have some fun.

Now would you do us a favor and stop hiding so we can get a good stalkerazzi shot – maybe from the rear? Or could you spread-eagle your legs when you're exiting a taxi, perchance?

Thank you so much. And again – we're so glad you're back! (not)

John McBain was originally the guitarist for Monster Magnet, before joining Soundgarden's Matt Cameron and Ben Shepherd to form Hater in Seattle in 1993. His next band, Wellwater Conspiracy, lasted until about 2004. He released "The In-Flight Feature" in 2006 and is now in the studio working feverishly on a follow-up album. Of "The In-Flight Feature," rock site babysue.com  exclaimed "These mostly instrumental creations are dreamy, unpredictable, intelligent, heady, and super creative. McBain layered these tunes with tons of echo and wonderfully tripped out sounds and effects that gives one a genuine feeling of being very, very high. You will want to turn the volume up, up, UP on this one in order to fully appreciate the nifty and subtle psychedelia (5++++ stars)."

The as-yet-to-be-titled new album features special guests Matt Cameron (Soundgarden/Pearl Jam), Josh Garza (Secret Machines), Dave Wyndorf (Monster Magnet) and rumor has it Josh Homme (QOTSA) may show up somewhere, too. We'll keep you posted (not).